Song: 50 Ways to Find a Dead Mouse (with apologies – profuse ones – to Paul Simon

Because not all the mice our cats kill get eaten.  Some of them get put aside for later…

(This song goes to the tune of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.  Also, it’s fairly disgusting, as you might have guessed from its title.  That’s what happens when you have cats…)
The mouse is underneath the bed, she said to me
Or maybe in the bath, or under the TV…
Surprising presents are the nicest, don’t you see?
There must be fifty ways to find a dead mouse.

She said, It’s hard to say just where a dead mouse could belong
Furthermore, I hope my mousie won’t be lost for long
Or else you may find its aroma is quite strong…
There must be fifty ways to find a dead mouse.
Fifty ways to find a dead mouse…

What’s that stench by the bench, Dench?
Does that pail have a tail, Dale?
Did that dish just go squish, Trish?
I don’t want to see…
Did it fall in the hall, Paul?
I’ve found half in the bath, Garth
And there’s gore in the drawer, Shaw
But where could the rest be?

Could that part be the heart, Mart?
Will the brain leave a stain, Jane?
Is that hair on the chair, Claire?
Or is it something more?
Here’s a rat on the mat, Pat
Disembowelled on a towel, Raoul,
Entrails read on the bed, Ned
The future is sure…

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
But here’s a nice dead mouse to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
Just where you left that mouse…

She said it’s much more fun to find it in the night.
When you get up to go to the bathroom without the light
And then she purred at me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to find a dead mouse.
Fifty ways to find a dead mouse. Or rat…

Fling the thing in the air, Cher
Make it fly up on high, Guy
Let the bowl be your goal, Noel,
And the coffee mug, too…
Get it wedged near the fridge, Midge
Hide it snug ‘neath the rug, Doug
On the floor by the door, Lenore
As a present for you!

Find the treat with your feet, Pete
Smell its scent through the vent, Brent
When you tread on its head, Ed
Won’t you be proud of me?
Feel the ooze ‘tween your toes, Rose
Hear the crack of its back, Jack
See it spread as you tread, Fred
Now, find the other three…

(I know, I know. Some of the rhymes don’t [which is completely self-inflicted, because for some reason I felt compelled to do a triple rhyme when a double was all the original called for], and I really had to push my luck with some of the names – if you have any better suggestions, please let me know. But, oddly enough, the scansion should be pretty close to the original, which is a little weird in places anyway)

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