Mayhem

When I wrote my previous post in December, I really didn’t expect to be away from this blog for so long. Unfortunately, a combination of a wrist injury, work commitments, and a sort of dullness of heart that made even the idea of writing exhausting took their toll. Also, it’s very hard to pick just one political topic at present. There seems to be a constant barrage of new, most of it either infuriating or depressing.

And I’m not going to write about any of that today, either, though I do hope to be back here more soon.

Today, I want to celebrate the life of a most excellent cat.

Nothing bad ever came of scratching a fluffy tummy like this one.

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Song: 50 Ways to Find a Dead Mouse (with apologies – profuse ones – to Paul Simon

Because not all the mice our cats kill get eaten.  Some of them get put aside for later…

(This song goes to the tune of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.  Also, it’s fairly disgusting, as you might have guessed from its title.  That’s what happens when you have cats…)
The mouse is underneath the bed, she said to me
Or maybe in the bath, or under the TV…
Surprising presents are the nicest, don’t you see?
There must be fifty ways to find a dead mouse.

She said, It’s hard to say just where a dead mouse could belong
Furthermore, I hope my mousie won’t be lost for long
Or else you may find its aroma is quite strong…
There must be fifty ways to find a dead mouse.
Fifty ways to find a dead mouse…

What’s that stench by the bench, Dench?
Does that pail have a tail, Dale?
Did that dish just go squish, Trish?
I don’t want to see…
Did it fall in the hall, Paul?
I’ve found half in the bath, Garth
And there’s gore in the drawer, Shaw
But where could the rest be?

Could that part be the heart, Mart?
Will the brain leave a stain, Jane?
Is that hair on the chair, Claire?
Or is it something more?
Here’s a rat on the mat, Pat
Disembowelled on a towel, Raoul,
Entrails read on the bed, Ned
The future is sure…

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
But here’s a nice dead mouse to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
Just where you left that mouse…

She said it’s much more fun to find it in the night.
When you get up to go to the bathroom without the light
And then she purred at me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to find a dead mouse.
Fifty ways to find a dead mouse. Or rat…

Fling the thing in the air, Cher
Make it fly up on high, Guy
Let the bowl be your goal, Noel,
And the coffee mug, too…
Get it wedged near the fridge, Midge
Hide it snug ‘neath the rug, Doug
On the floor by the door, Lenore
As a present for you!

Find the treat with your feet, Pete
Smell its scent through the vent, Brent
When you tread on its head, Ed
Won’t you be proud of me?
Feel the ooze ‘tween your toes, Rose
Hear the crack of its back, Jack
See it spread as you tread, Fred
Now, find the other three…

(I know, I know. Some of the rhymes don’t [which is completely self-inflicted, because for some reason I felt compelled to do a triple rhyme when a double was all the original called for], and I really had to push my luck with some of the names – if you have any better suggestions, please let me know. But, oddly enough, the scansion should be pretty close to the original, which is a little weird in places anyway)

The Cats With Thumbs Song (with apologies to ABBA)

This one goes to the tune of Money, Money, Money, and was essentially dictated to me by the cats.

 

I miaow all night, I miaow all day, to get outside, to get to play –
Ain’t it sad?
And still there never seems to be a can openable by me –
That’s too bad!
But in my dreams I have it planned:
If I evolve a human hand
I wouldn’t have to miaow at all, I’d rule the world and have a ball…

Thumby thumby thumby
Must be funny
To have human hands
Thumby thumby thumby
Always sunny
If I just had hands
Mia-iaow!
All the things I could do
If I had opposing digits –
It’s a human’s world!

Now evolution’s hard to do, but it is surely overdue
You agree?
And any cat would work and sweat to be an owner not a pet
Just like me.
But if that fails, one plan remains:
To get control of human brains –
I’ll hypnotise you handily, your human hands will work for me…

Mummy mummy mummy
Scratch my tummy
With your human hands
Mummy mummy mummy
Get food for me
With your useful hands
Mia-iaow!
All the things you could do
Just to make your kitty happy
It’s a feline’s world

Evol-evolution!
Is my solution
To have human hands…
Evol-evolution!
A revolution!
If we just had hands
Mia-iaow!
All the things I could do
If I had opposing digits –
It would be my world!

It would be my world!

Song: The Kittens’ Flag Anthem (with apologies to the Communists)

17catherines: The Communist Kitten Party (CommieKitties)What can I say?  Our cats are mighty huntresses, so when someone sent me this little icon, I had to write an anthem in their honour.  This one goes to the tune of O Tannenbaum, and is of course based on The Peoples’ Flag.

The kittens’ flag is deepest red,
It shrouds our furred and feather’d dead,
And ere the rodent limbs grow cold,
We’ll drink their blood, and dye each fold…

(chorus)
Then raise the scarlet standard high.
Within its shade we’ll live and die,
Though humans flinch and rodents fear,
We’ll keep the red flag flying here.
Look round, the people love us cats!
They love us more when we kill rats.
And if rats give them such a thrill
Then pigeons must be better still!
(chorus)
Then raise the scarlet standard high.
Within its shade we’ll live and die,
Though humans flinch and rodents fear,
We’ll keep the red flag flying here.

It waved above our infant might,
When we slew moths in gardens bright;
It witnessed many a deed and vow,
We must not change its colour now.
(chorus)
Then raise the scarlet standard high.
Within its shade we’ll live and die,
Though humans flinch and rodents fear,
We’ll keep the red flag flying here.

With necks uncollared swear we all
To bear it onward till we fall;
Come laundries dark or humans grim,
This song shall be our parting hymn.
(chorus)
Then raise the scarlet standard high.
Within its shade we’ll live and die,
Though humans flinch and rodents fear,
We’ll keep the red flag flying here.

You’re Gonna Lose That Mouse (with apologies to the Beatles)

Do you even want to know what inspired this?  Let’s just say that every cat owner probably knows this one… It goes to the tune of ‘You’re Gonna Lose That Girl’, by The Beatles.

 

You’re going to lose that mouse
(Yes yes You’re going to lose that mouse)
You’re going to lose that mouse
(Yes yes You’re going to lose that mouse)

If you don’t take it out right now, it’s going to get away
(Under the couch to stay)
And if your sister hunts it out, then it will be her prey
(She’s going to get to play)
You’re going to lose that mouse
(Yes yes You’re going to lose that mouse)
You’re going to lose that mouse
(Yes yes You’re going to lose that mouse)

If you don’t pounce tonight, young cat
you’re going to find it gone
(That mouse can really run)
And if that mousey gets away
You’ll be the yowly one
(Which will be much less fun)
You’re going to lose that mouse…
(Yes yes You’re going to lose that mouse)
You’re going to lose that mouse
(Yes yes You’re going to lose that mouse)
You’re going to lose that mouse
(Yes yes You’re going to lose that mouse)

Oh yes, you’re clever, a mighty huntress – that we know
(Not in here – NO!) yeah
But darling kitty, please don’t let it go…
You’re going to lose that mouse
You’re going to lose that mouse
You’re going to lose that mouse
(Quick – there it goes across the floor!)
You’re going to lose that mouse
(Just get her out and shut the door!)
You’re going to lose that mouse
(Yes, you ARE red in tooth and claw)

Yes, you are mighty, the very smartest cat we know
(What a good throw!) yeah
But please, just pounce now – do not let it go…

If you must chase that mouse indoors,
you’d better kill it dead
(Or your sister will instead)
And you can feast on mouse organs,
And you’ll be quite well-fed
(But please don’t hide the head)
You’re going to lose that mouse
(No, please don’t chase it round the house)
You’re going to lose that mouse
(Please say you haven’t lost that mouse)
You’re going to lose that mouse!
(You’ve gone and lost that mouse)

Sonnet: Blanket-Monster, or the Faithfulness of Cats

She stalks her foe on silent, night-black paws,
Eyes wide and black to catch each hint of light;
Alert ears, focused whiskers, sharpened claws;
Still. Waiting for her summons to the fight.
The slightest blanket-twitch and she is there!
Fierce, fearless, she protects against the beast.
Man’s ancient enemy caught unaware –
Quickly subdued by nimble paw – deceased.
For man’s best friend cannot defeat this foe;
Slow, gullible, he does not know its face.
And man, ever ungrateful, bellows ‘No!’
And in her loyal protection sees disgrace.
Yet faithfully her nightly watch she’ll keep:
Bast’s daughters in their duty do not sleep.