Song: Santa Claus is Watching You (with apologies to Sting, but none whatsoever to J. Fred Coots)

Did anyone else ever think that ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’ was kind of creepy?

To be sung to the tune of ‘Every Breath You Take’, by Sting

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every toy you break
Every pet you shake

I’ll be watching you

‘Til it’s Christmas day
Every word you say
Every game you play –
From my deer-drawn sleigh

I’ll be watching you

O I can see
From the Christmas Tree
Whether you’ve been good
If you’ve done what you should

I am taking notes
I am writing quotes
I am counting votes
Sorting sheep from goats

I am watching you

Made a list and I’m checking it all twice
When you’re awake, I will know it in a trice
When you’re asleep I know when you close your eyes
That’s how I find out who’s been naughty or nice
Santa Claus is coming back to town…

Oh, don’t you pout
Don’t you scream or shout
Oh you’d best watch out
For you need have no doubt:

Every time you fight
Be it day or night
While the snow is white
From the chimney’s height

I’ll be watching you.

Every move you make
E very toy you break
Every small mistake
Asleep or awake

I’ll be watching you.

Sitting in my sleigh
Until Christmas day

I’ll be watching you

Santa’s watching you
Santa’s watching you
Santa’s watching you
Santa’s watching you….

Spoken: So be good for goodness sake…

Song: Silent Night (with apologies to Franz Gruber, though actually, he should apologise to me, because I’ve sung that song more times than anyone should ever have to)

Silent night, holy night,
Choir is calm, voices bright
Sops ethereal, tenors with flair
Audible altos and basses to spare
Sing this heavenly piece
Sing this heavenly piece

Silent night, holy night,
Voices break, sounding tight;
A capella was fine at the start
But now the altos have lost all heart
And where has the tenor gone?
Where has the tenor gone?

Silent night, holy night,
One verse left – end’s in sight!
Pastor calls us a heavenly choir
But each verse ends just a little bit higher…
Squeaking, Lord, of thy birth,
Squeaking, Lord, of thy birth,

Silent night, holy night
Almost done, hearts are light!
Basses bellow, but oh, so slow…
No conductor can help us now
At last, it’s over and done!
Finally over and done…