2019 Federal Election Virtual Drinking Game

I had so many good intentions for this blog in 2019.  For example, I intended to do a proper write up of who wound up in the Victorian  Legislative Council, and indeed, I have started that post, and even continued that post… I just haven’t finished that post.  It’s been that sort of year.  I hope that I will do so soon, but I think I’d better not make any more promises on that score.

Anyway, with the Federal Election looming, it looks likely that we will be seeing some really ugly and stupid politics playing out over the next few months.  Which… will make the next few months not all that different from the last few months.

I was going to create a bingo game to solace us all in the toxic lead-up to this election, but when I shared some of my ideas for a bingo card with a friend he said “That’s not bingo, because all of those things are guaranteed to happen.”

And, while I don’t think he is *quite* right, there is a seed of truth in his remark.

(Certainly, at least one thing I planned to put on the bingo card has happened in the two days between me coming up with this idea and today.  So while I originally planned not to write this silly post until I had been good and finished my Victorian Election post, I’m putting this up now regardless, before every single thing on it has a chance to happen.)

Which is why I’m turning this into a drinking game.  Or rather, a virtual drinking game, because I don’t want to encourage irresponsible drinking and I think we will all be thoroughly potted if we follow the game plan below.  Mix up the virtual cocktail of your choice and start playing!

Alternatively, if you’d like this game to have some more meaning than our politics currently does, pick a charity – or indeed, a political party – that stands for something you hold dear, and pick a dollar or cent amount for sips, swigs and sculls.  Every time one of the items on the list comes up, put the appropriate amount into a piggy bank, and when the time is right, donate the amount you have raised.  Everyone wins!

(Well, except the Coalition, I hope.  And yes, this drinking game is just as partisan as everything else I write.)

Continue reading

Theme Songs for Political Parties – Your Election Party Playlist!

I don’t know about you, but I feel the need for some political frivolity about now.  Or, to be more precise, I feel the need for a nap, but as soon as I close my eyes, my brain just starts coming up with ridiculous theme songs for political parties, so I figure I might as well roll with it.

So, in Victorian Ballot Paper order, allow me to present to you my totally unofficial and occasionally obnoxious list of theme songs for political parties in this election.  With thanks to my husband, who is generally barred from political activity due to his job, but I’m pretty sure suggesting cheeky song titles doesn’t count. Enjoy!

  • Group A: Derryn Hinch’s Justice Party ~ This song by Shirley & Co is basically irrelevant to politics, but it is called Shame Shame Shame
  • Group B: David Collyer, Wanda Mitchell-Cook ~ The Times, They Are A Changing, and sadly, the Democrats don’t seem to be surviving the change.  Hopefully they’ll be able to start swimming before they sink like a stone. 
  • Group C: Animal Justice Party ~ Dr Doolittle’s Talk to the Animals amuses me greatly, and will do here.
  • Group D: Australian Labor Party ~ The ALP is doing its very best to disown its working class roots, so perhaps they need to be reminded that There is Power in a Union.
  • Group E: Science Party ~ For Science by They Might Be Giants seems to have the slightly mad science fiction element required here.  Alternatively, The Future’s so Bright by Timbuk 3 seems to reflect their attitude. / Australian Cyclists Party ~ They want to ride their bicycle, and so does Queen.
  • Group F: Palmer United Party ~ on so many levels, the Veronicas’ When It All Falls Apart seems to work here.  Just listen to those lyrics and contemplate this party’s recent history.
  • Group G: Jacqui Lambie Network  ~ as Jacqui is a former soldier who is really into veterans’ rights and patriotism, Eric Bogle’s And The Band Played Waltzing Matilda seems like a good fit.
  • Group H: Australian Christians ~ a pro-life party needs a pro-life song by a good Christian musician like Madonna.  Papa Don’t Preach sounds about right.
  • Group I: #Sustainable Australia ~ this lot want zero immigration and population control.  Zero Population by Saturday’s Warrior is clearly the logical next step in this argument.
  • Group J; Pirate Party Australia ~ only really one possibility here, and it’s Gilbert and Sullivan: I am a Pirate King
  • Group K: Socialist Equality Party ~ billing themselves as the only true anti-war party, they clearly need Edwin Starr’s War song.
  • Group L: Health Australia Party ~ they think that natural health and lots of vitamins obviates the need for vaccines and conventional medicine.  So I think they would approve of this song about eating vegetables, by Sesame Street.
  • Group M: Renewable Energy Party ~ While we are on educational songs, it seems appropriate to include What is Energy by Tom Glazer and Dottie Evans here.
  • Group N: VOTEFLUX.ORG | Upgrade Democracy! ~ This is not my kind of music, but it’s also not my kind of party, and the story seems to be that Democracy Is Changing.  It’s by Killing Joke.  The lyrics sound like almost all the independents.
  • Group O: Family First Party ~ The Addams Family theme song may seem like an odd choice, but I feel it is oddly appropriate here.
  • Group P: Christian Democratic Party (Fred Nile Group) ~ The Eurythmic’s song Missionary Man deserves a better party, but this is thematically appropriate.
  • Group Q: The Arts Party ~ Arguably, any and every song is appropriate for this party, but Starry Night, by Don McLean, is about Vincent Van Gogh who, according to these lyrics, killed himself because nobody understood his art, a lack of understanding probably expressed by cuts to arts funding.
  • Group R: Democratic Labour Party (DLP) ~ The Catholic offspring of the Labor Party needs a good Catholic song, like Tom Lehrer’s Vatican Rag.
  • Group S: Citizens Electoral Council of Australia ~ I love that I can ask my husband for a song about conspiracy nuts, and he knows one. Soul Coughing’s Unmarked Helicopters is clearly the way to go here.
  • Group T: Secular Party of Australia ~ What else but XTC’s Dear God?
  • Group U: Australian Liberty Alliance ~ Haters gonna hate, by Tonite Only.  There aren’t a lot of lyrics in this song, but I feel that the chorus really expresses ALA’s values.  Alternatively, you could put on some Cat Stephens…
  • Group V: Nick Xenophon Team ~ Pokies have been the ruin of many a young man, just ask the Animals, and stay away from The House of the Rising Sun.
  • Group W: Australian Motoring Enthusiast Party ~ I wanted to go with ‘Oh Ricky you’re so fine’, but I reluctantly concede that Cars by Gary Numan is a better choice.
  • Group X: Australian Equality Party (Marriage) ~ I think Same Love by Macklemore may actually have started as a marriage equality add, but I like it.
  • Group Y: Pauline Hanson’s One Nation ~ Whiter Shade of Pale has completely the wrong lyrics, but precisely the right title for this party.  I refuse to post something with lyrics that actually represent the way this party thinks!
  • Group Z: Socialist Alliance ~ You may say they are dreamers, but they’re not the only ones. John Lennon’s Imagine even rejects personal possessions.
  • Group AA: Australian Country Party ~ In a Big Country, by Big Country complains about broken promises, presumably from the National Party.
  • Group AB: John Madigan’s Manufacturing and Farming Party ~ our man John is a blacksmith, so how can one possibly go past Verdi’s Anvil Chorus?
  • Group AC: Drug Law Reform Australia ~ I actually like this party, but Cab Calloway’s Reefer Man is too good not to include.
  • Group AD: Voluntary Euthanasia Party ~ This song isn’t really about euthanasia, but it is a song about goodbyes.  The Carnival is Over by the Seekers.
  • Group AE: Mature Australia Party ~ This party is interested in ageing Australians.  Will we still need them, when we are sixty-four?  (The Beatles, of course).
  • Group AF: Liberal Party of Australia ~ Taking us back to the 1950s in a Time Warp. / National Party of Australia ~ I like the nostalgia in this song.  It reminds me of when the National Party were still relevant and not just owned by the Liberal Party.  I Love A Sunburnt Country, by Dorothy McKellar, lyrics by Hatch and Trent.
  • Group AG: Shooters, Fishers and Farmers Party ~ It’s not that I think this group particularly deserve the glory that is Melbourne Museum staff dancing to Fatboy Slim’s Weapon of Choice, it’s more that I think Melbourne Museum deserves any extra hits it gets.  And Weapon of Choice is a suitable title for people who really love their guns.
  • Group AH: Liberal Democratic Party ~ This isn’t so much a theme song as it is one of the many, many reasons I can’t vote for them.  Bang Bang, by Nancy Sinatra.
  • Group AI: Rise Up Australia Party ~ I’m afraid this one is a bit rude, but that’s kind of how I feel about Rise Up Australia.  F*** You, by Lily Allen.
  • Group AJ: Australian Progressives ~ This one was really hard.  It was tempting to just use anything by David Bowie on the grounds that it is Prog Rock was strong, but none of his lyrics seemed quite right.  We’re All In This Together by Ben Lee seems about right, I think, and seems to express where they are coming from.
  • Group AK: Australian Greens ~ Joni Mitchell’s Big Yellow Taxi was actually playing on the radio the first time I handed out How To Vote cards for the Greens.  It’s still appropriate.
  • Group AL: Australian Sex Party ~ Salt’N’Pepa, Let’s Talk About Sex.  Obviously.

And as a grand finale, here’s People Have the Power, by Patti Smith – it’s as good an election anthem as we are likely to get.  Let’s hope we get a good result to go with it.

(Feel free to share your own election soundtracks in the comments – we could all use some light relief tonight, I suspect!)

Politics: Federal Election – Hung Parliament and its Discontents

You know, I think at this point in time, Australians are in fact quite unanimous on the subject of the election. We want it to be over.

On twitter, it appears that Old Spice Guy has something to say to us:

RT @oldspice Hello Australia. Look at your Parliament, now back at me. Sadly, it isn’t me, but it is hung like me. #ausvotes

(this is definitely the funniest thing I’ve read all weekend)

In other news, it would appear that Tony Crook, the appealingly-named Nationals candidate for O’Connor, has told the world that he was planning to act as an independent if he beat Wilson Tuckey, and will not join the Coalition (expect a post about him later). Indeed, I gather the WA Nationals generally are talking as though they plan to secede from the Coalition. Except that they probably will vote with the Coalition anyway, because they are anti-mining tax.

What this election clearly needs is for people to start crossing the floor. Nobody’s done that in ages, and it’s the one thing missing from this hung parliament madness. Turnbull for Labor, that’s what we need!

… I sense a double-dissolution election in the next year or so. And I don’t like either Abbott’s *or* Gillard’s chances of survival unless one of them manages to pull off something spectacular.

And I did love Sarah Hanson-Young’s big happy smile on election night. Everyone else was looking grim, but you could see from her face that she was thinking “We got a seat! In the House of Representatives! And the balance of power in the Senate! Hung parliament my foot – the Greens won this election!!” The one bright spot in the whole evening, really.

On a more serious note, I do hope the Greens can learn very quickly how to be productive in the Senate and the House of Reps. If we go to a double dissolution, I fear that a lot of people will return to the major parties just for the sake of a result.

Edited to add: Tracking votes through my Electorate and then my booth on the AEC website, I’ve found my Senate vote! It’s very exciting. I can tell it’s mine, because I’m apparently the only person in my booth to vote for that particular candidate, and one of five in my entire electorate. I wonder who the other four people were…?  Actually, I have a pretty good idea about two of them.

(they don’t seem to have got as far as preferencing it yet, however. I can see, looking at the preferences, that my little below-the-line vote is going to be keeping the counters quite busy before it finally comes to rest in its Green home)

Song: A Werewolf State of Mind (with apologies to Billy Joel)

This one goes to the tune of New York State of Mind, by Billy Joel.  There is no real excuse for it.

Some folks like to get back home
With a DVD or a video
Grab a Fred Astaire musical
Or a Hitchcock show
But I’m taking out Wolfman
Ginger Snaps, and Frankenstein
I’m in a werewolf state of mind

I’ve seen all the movie stars
In their monster suits and their castles dark
Way up in Romania, in the mountains stark
But Silver Bullet‘s screening
And I don’t want to waste more time
I’m in a werewolf state of mind

It was so easy back when Buffy screened
With a brand new monster each week
But then the werewolves left us with Seth Green
With vampires there’s much less at stake…

It comes down to the fantasy
And it’s fine with me when it’s on my screen
Don’t care if it’s Lon Chaney or John Carradine
I don’t have any reasons
I’ve left them all behind
I’m in a werewolf state of mind

It was so easy back when Karloff starred
As Frankenstein and as old Fu Manchu
But watching Van Helsing I must conclude:
Not even werewolves could save this show…

It comes down to my DVDs
I’ll be Howling here in my living room
With Werewolves in Woodstock, or else in Washington
In the Company of Wolves
I’ll leave Dracula behind
I’m in a werewolf state of mind

When Frank & Drac meet the Wolfman, I won’t be far behind
‘Cause I’m in a werewolf state of mind

Song: The Kittens’ Flag Anthem (with apologies to the Communists)

17catherines: The Communist Kitten Party (CommieKitties)What can I say?  Our cats are mighty huntresses, so when someone sent me this little icon, I had to write an anthem in their honour.  This one goes to the tune of O Tannenbaum, and is of course based on The Peoples’ Flag.

The kittens’ flag is deepest red,
It shrouds our furred and feather’d dead,
And ere the rodent limbs grow cold,
We’ll drink their blood, and dye each fold…

(chorus)
Then raise the scarlet standard high.
Within its shade we’ll live and die,
Though humans flinch and rodents fear,
We’ll keep the red flag flying here.
Look round, the people love us cats!
They love us more when we kill rats.
And if rats give them such a thrill
Then pigeons must be better still!
(chorus)
Then raise the scarlet standard high.
Within its shade we’ll live and die,
Though humans flinch and rodents fear,
We’ll keep the red flag flying here.

It waved above our infant might,
When we slew moths in gardens bright;
It witnessed many a deed and vow,
We must not change its colour now.
(chorus)
Then raise the scarlet standard high.
Within its shade we’ll live and die,
Though humans flinch and rodents fear,
We’ll keep the red flag flying here.

With necks uncollared swear we all
To bear it onward till we fall;
Come laundries dark or humans grim,
This song shall be our parting hymn.
(chorus)
Then raise the scarlet standard high.
Within its shade we’ll live and die,
Though humans flinch and rodents fear,
We’ll keep the red flag flying here.

The Tupperware Song

This one goes to the tune of I Eat Cannibals.  I have absolutely no idea what possessed me to do this.

I need Tupperware!
Oval, round or square
Your love is something edible to me
I need Tupperware!
I need Tupperware!
It’s unbreakable!
It’s bringing out the homemaker in me.
I need Tupperware!

What can you do
With leftover stew?
Clearmates, Stuffables
For all my vegetables
Modular mates!
Melanine plates!
FridgeSmart, Cheesmart
Tupperware will warm my heart!

I need Tupperware!
Oval, round or square
It even has a lifetime guarantee –
I need Tupperware!
I need Tupperware!
I don’t want to share.
I’ll have to host a Tupperware Party.
And get Tupperware!

Grinder for spice
Tray to make ice
Quick Shake, Jel-Ring
Forget the budgeting
Spatula, whisk
I can’t resist!
Zen Bowl, Salad Bowl
Give me more, I want it all!

I need Tupperware!
Oval, round or square
That Pick-A-Deli’s calling out to me…
I need Tupperware!
I need Tupperware!
Need it everywhere
I think I love the Tupperware Lady.
For her Tupperware.

All I wanna do
Is make a meal with you
We all have to eat
But life is not complete
If leftovers aren’t stored
(Shape-O, Snack Cups – I’m never gonna stop!)
In my pretty plastic horde
(Rock’n’serve, Season serve – I really do deserve!)
No matter the supplies –
(Burping plastic, it’s so fantastic!)
I have every size!
(I need Tupperware!)

I need Tupperware!
Oval, round or square
There can’t be too much Tupperware for me.
I need Tupperware!
I need Tupperware!
It’s a love affair –
I’m gonna be a Tupperware Lady.
And get tupperware!

Hostess gifties, always very nifty
Pinks, reds, greens, blues, how can anybody choose?
Sift-N-Store, Mix-N-Pour, not enough, I must have more…
Bake-to-Basics, Quick Shake, you’re the icing on the cake!

ChefSmart corkscrew, incredibly efficient too
Tumblers, Litre Jug, EZ wave, Commuter Mug,
Flan form, loaf form, help my pantry to reform!
Full up, can’t stop, must have a Forget-Me-Not…

I need Tupperware!
Oval, round or square
There can’t be too much Tupperware for me.
I need Tupperware!
I need Tupperware!
It’s a love affair –
I’m gonna be a Tupperware Lady.
And get tupperware!

The Gas Heater Song (with apologies to Hall and Oates)

Our hot water system died.  The pilot light had been blowing out pretty consistently, and then it started doing alarming whoomphy flames when I re-lit it.  I was explaining to a friend that it only blows out at night, and suddenly I heard the opening bars of the Man Eater tune in my head…

She’ll only blow out at night
The hot and tricksy type
Nothing is new, I’ve been out here before
Freezing and listening
Ooh, she’s looking alright, but the pilot light’s no more
And nobody here can see
If the flame is on and the gas flows free
She’s cranky and old, and quite untamed by the threat of a gas-fitter
No more hot water
If you’re after a shower
You ain’t gonna get too far

(Damn, there she goes)
Watch out boy, she’ll blow you up
(Oh there she goes)
She’s the gas-heater…
(Oh there she goes)
Watch out boy, she’ll blow you up
(Damn, there she goes)
She’s the gas-heater…

I wouldn’t if I were you
I know what she can do
She spouts blue flames, she could really blow your house apart
Freezing the weather
Ooh, the fire is there but the cold is in her heart

(Damn, there she goes)
Watch out boy, she’ll freeze you dead
(Oh there she goes)
She’s the gas-heater…
(Oh there she goes)
Watch out boy, she’ll freeze you dead
(Damn, there she goes)
She’s the gas-heater…

Ooh,
Damn, there she goes
(No hot water!)
Watch out boy, she’ll blow you up
Damn, there she goes
(It’s cold)
Ancient gas heater!
Damn, there she goes
(Poor old gas heater!)
Ooh, she’ll blow us up
(Oh there she goes)
There she goes, no more gas heater
(Damn, there she goes)
(Watch out)
She’ll only blow out at night, ooh
(Damn, there she goes)
Late at night –
Good-bye gas heater!
(Oh, there she goes)
(She’s the gas heater)
When you’re in the shower – brr!
(Damn, there she goes)
There she goes
Watch out boy, watch out boy
(Damn, there she goes)
Oh, it’s cold, it’s cold, it’s cold, it’s cold
(Oh, there she goes)
Yeah yeah ancient gas heater
(Damn, there she goes)
(She’s a gas heater)
She’s biding her time ooh
(Oh, there she goes)
Oh, evil gas heater…

 

The Emu Song (with mild apologies to Mariah Carey, though I’m not convinced the original is better)

This was composed under the influence of essays and sleep deprivation, and has no other excuse.  You can sing it to Mariah Carey’s song ‘The Hero’, but I’m not sure you should.

There’s an emu.
If you look inside your heart
You don’t have to be afraid
Of ostriches
They are flightless
And they readily dissolve
With the proper lysozymes
They’ll melt away…

And then an emu comes along
With a silly emu song
And, you’ll cast him to the sky
‘Cos he swears that he can fly.
And when the landing goes all wrong
Gather feathers, and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That an emu lied to you…

Song: Silent Night (with apologies to Franz Gruber, though actually, he should apologise to me, because I’ve sung that song more times than anyone should ever have to)

Silent night, holy night,
Choir is calm, voices bright
Sops ethereal, tenors with flair
Audible altos and basses to spare
Sing this heavenly piece
Sing this heavenly piece

Silent night, holy night,
Voices break, sounding tight;
A capella was fine at the start
But now the altos have lost all heart
And where has the tenor gone?
Where has the tenor gone?

Silent night, holy night,
One verse left – end’s in sight!
Pastor calls us a heavenly choir
But each verse ends just a little bit higher…
Squeaking, Lord, of thy birth,
Squeaking, Lord, of thy birth,

Silent night, holy night
Almost done, hearts are light!
Basses bellow, but oh, so slow…
No conductor can help us now
At last, it’s over and done!
Finally over and done…

Song: Give Peach a Chance (with apologies to John Lennon)

Ev’rybody’s talkin’ ’bout
Grapefruit and Passionfruit, Breadfruit with Jamfruit and Picklefruit, Kiwifruit
Jackfruit and Nipplefruit*, Chocolate Puddingfruit**
All we are saying is give peach a chance
All we are saying is give peach a chance
(C’mon)
Ev’rybody’s talkin’ ’bout
Pineapples, Pond apples, Love-apples and Crabapples,
Walnuts, Chestnuts, Pinenuts and Peanuts, this is just nuts…
All we are saying is give peach a chance
All we are saying is give peach a chance
(Let me tell you now)
Ev’rybody’s talkin’ ’bout
Loganberries, Boysenberries, Pepperberries, Elderberries, Farkleberries***,
Sunburst cherries, yellow cherries, sour cherries, morello cherries
A ll we are saying is give peach a chance
All we are saying is give peach a chance
Ev’rybody’s talkin’ ’bout
Nectarines, Pomegranates, Persimmons,
Oranges and Avocadoes, Strawberries and
Bananas and Sierra Plums and Smyrna Quinces and Red Guava
Red Strawberry Guava…
All we are saying is give peach a chance
All we are saying is give peach a chance

*no, I didn’t make that up, I found it on the rare fruit site, if you don’t believe me….
**no, I didn’t make that one up either….
*** no, not that one either

It should scan exactly the same as the better-known song to the same tune, by John Lennon.  Or is that John Lemon?